What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

WHAT AM I?

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
By now, you should have guessed what it is. It's a..... toothbrush
I know what you were thinking. You little pervert!

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!
Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor.
"No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down," she says.
"Ah" says the doc, "this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery." "How nice," says Liz. "Thank you - what a nice thought."
"The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations - she is to be trusted."
"What a beautiful thought, from such a humble person -I'm really touched," says Liz.
"But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.
"Oh", says the doctor, "That's from Evander Holyfield -- thanking you for his new ears!!!"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger? 

A man asked a lawyer what his fee was.
"I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer replied.
"That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the man asked.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?" 

Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first choice.

The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to examine the damage, and then he calls the devil.
"That darn gate broke again," hesays. "It's your turn to fix it."
"Forget it," says the devil. "My people are too busy."
"But we had a deal," says St. Peter, "and if you don't honor it, I'll haveto sue you for breach of contract."
The devil laughs. "Sure you will. And just where do you expect to find a lawyer?" 

Two scientists are discussing their latest research in behaviour modification.
"We've started something new," said the first man. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we've started using lawyers."
"Lawyers?" says his colleague. "We've always used rats. I've never heard of using lawyers."
"Well, you know how it is," says his friend. "You get so attached to rats." 

What's the difference between a dead snake lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?His lips are moving.

Two lawyers are having a drink after work.
"The most amazing thing happened to me last night," said the first one. "I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office! He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States senator!"
"Great!" says his friend. "But what's the catch?"

A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know-but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path.
"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can.After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder...
Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurlsit into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires
"No, I've got just one question. Do you have one shaped like a lawyer?"

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS
372.01 Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting(non-commercial) purposes.
372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use ofUnited States currency as bait is, however, prohibited. It is unlawful toshout, "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose oftrapping attorneys.
372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited,unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorneyis accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should beremoved to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest carwash.
372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a powerboat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
372.05 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards ofBMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards ofcourtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
372.07 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have alicense to hunt, trap or possess same.
372.08 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purposeof hunting attorneys.
372.09 Bag Limits Per Day Yellow-Bellied Sidewinders 2 Two-Faced Tortfeasors 1 Back-Stabbing Divorce Litigators 3 Horn-Rimmed Cut-Throats 2 Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

Why do lawyers wear neckties?To keep the foreskin from coming up over their heads.
Why was the shipwrecked lawyer allowed to swim safely throughshark-infested waters?Professional courtesy. 

A $100 bill is left sitting on a table in a room. One at a time the ToothFairy, the Easter Bunny, a low-priced lawyer, and a high-priced lawyer gointo the room. After their visits the money is missing - which one pocketed it?
The high-priced lawyer, of course - all the others are figments of yourimagination! 

An American business man traveling on a train somewhere in Europe met a Cuban, a Russian, and an American lawyer.
The Cuban took out four cigars and passed them out. After lighting his own cigar he took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequencesince there was such an abundance of them.
Next the Russian passed outbottles of vodka. After taking just one swig he threw the bottle out thewindow, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since there was such anabundance of it.
The American business man sat in quiet contemplation for several moments,then arose and threw the lawyer out the window! 

There was once a rich man who knew that he would die in a few weeks ofcancer. So, he invited three of his best friends, one was an engineer, thesecond was a doctor, and the third was a lawyer.
The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my entire life for money, and as such, I have decided that I want to be buried with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed in the casket except for one pair of clothing, I will need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1,000,000 cash. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket and secretly throw the money into the casket."
The three friendstook the money and left. Several weeks later the three men attended the funeral. After the funeral they all met at a restaurant to eat.
The engineer broke the silence and said, "I have to confess ... times have been hard lately so I kept $10,000for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I am truly sorry."
At this point, the doctor chipped in, "you know, my wife wanted another BMW so I took out $40,000......I feel pretty rotten about what I have done."
Well, at this point both the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer.
The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares that he was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part - I threw in a check for the full $1,000,000." 

A young lawyer was driving down the road in his new BMW. He had just been made a partner in the firm, and was feeling great about life.Then, all of a sudden he was standing at the pearly gates.
"What happened?" he asked.
"You died," replied St. Peter.
"How did I die, did I get in a wreck?"
"No." said Saint Peter.
"A heart attack, did I have a heart attack?"
"No" was the reply.
"Then how did I die?"
"You died of old age." said the apostle.
"What do you mean I died of old age. I couldn't die of old age! I was only36!" the young man cried.
"According to your billable hours," said St Peter, "you're 112."

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with theinnkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried."I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat upall night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

What do you have when you have three lawyers in a room neck deep in feces?Not enough feces.
You're in a room, and you have a gun with 2 bullets. You're there with a tiger, a lion, and a lawyer. What do you do?Shoot the lawyer twice.

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green cameover to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in courtwhen you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know whatyou're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everythingthere was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? :
Lawyer Dobbins: 'Whywere you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
Dobbins:'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green:'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after themalpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal yourcase to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidneystone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking athim."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize intostones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher ofOperating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going tobe in a lot of pain"
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce ofDemerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and thelawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"